Our Story

 

In February of 2023 our story officially began with our child’s first hospital stay. Long before I knew something wasn’t right, but every single time I brought it up, I was told it was normal teenage mood swings. Finally, that dark and cold night, our child was hospitalized for the very first time for a failed suicide where we learned it was their 4th failure.…

During that stay, I felt so alone and also so much shame. My husband and I, while one unit, were dealing with this trauma in very different ways and we still had to parent 2 other children at home who were dealing with their own trauma. During this stay, we spoke to no one except immediate family and one other couple. But honestly, we avoided speaking to all of them as much as possible. The shame we all felt was real. Mental health is so stigmatized and we simply could not deal with judgement even though each of these people loved us through and through. 

Our thoughts were constantly what did we do wrong? What did we miss? How did we miss the prior 3? What could we have done differently? Why did our child survive and others had not? What are others going to think? It was, at the time, the loneliest and emptiest I had ever felt. I felt like a complete failure as a mom. 

Little did I know those feelings would repeat themselves and be even worse just a few short months later during another failure and shortly after another hospital stay. During this stay I shut down completely. I could hardly get out of bed. The trauma leading to the events of this hospital stay, which I will discuss in a future post, along with still having to wife and mother was simply too much. I was simply a zombie walking through the motions daily. I didn’t eat. I didn’t sleep. I could hardly fake a smile.  It was so bad, my husband called my doctor worried about me. Months later, I am still dealing and working through all of this trauma daily. 

Having a child that survives suicide is hard. It is so much harder and lonelier than one can even fathom. Unless you walk this road, you will simply not understand, and that’s okay. You’re not supposed to. This is a path I would wish on no one. This is a path of constant fear. Of constantly wondering if they aren’t responding to your text or answering your call, is it because they simply don’t see it or is it because …… This journey is a living nightmare, but we are in it. We have to be there for our children. For our family. 

So…..

Mama, I hear you. Mama, I’m here for you. Mama, we’re in this together. 

XOXOXO

Mary